"I never thought my life would be like this"

Last week, we visited my husband's family in New Jersey, and stayed with his 90-year-old grandmother. She spoke those words to me a few times, as she shook her head and looked down in sadness. Her husband is in a convalescent home, and she can't hear anything unless we shout something to her (she refuses to get new hearing aids). It's sad, and then I thought, well, we all make choices in our life and we have to understand that there are consequences, some good, some bad. What really saddens me is she couldn't hear little C say "Good morning Great Nana!" or anything else he said to her. I'm not sure why she is so stubborn and set in her ways (I'm guessing it's a mix of her generation as well as her age), but she is not happy. She says she doesn't want to continue living like this, but yet she won't make any changes.

Benjamin Franklin is credited with this quote about insanity, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

I think that sums up her situation perfectly. I also thought about my life, and how I had no idea it would be like this. I've said time and again, I'm lucky because if I keep perspective, I realize that we (my loved ones) are in good health and only have to deal with minor illnesses. I have a friend that is battling cancer several times (and he's younger than 40), I know many friends who are in the process of understanding their autistic children, I have friends who have parents that are battling cancer, or worse, have lost their parents for many years now. This perspective helps keep me grounded, and reminds me that my situation may be challenging, but it's not life threatening.

At the end of my life, which I hope is a long time from now, I want to look back and think about all the wonderful people I've had a chance to love, engage, teach, play, laugh, and explore places. My husband is a great man who has incredible patience, a love for social interaction, pop culture, and family. He has his qualities that could use a little work as well (we all do!), but he reminds me that as a team, we are much stronger and we can get through some very tough situations. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that, but I've been working hard on improving myself for me, for him, for our family - and it's starting to pay off. On our road trip back to Chicago, we passed by an SUV that had a propeller on the tail gate hitch. I looked at him and said something like "He must be a boat enthusiast" which I quickly followed with "Wow - I'm such a marketing nerd!" and we both laughed. I had a few other comments which had us both cracking up, and I realized it had been a long time since I made him laugh. It felt so good to be able to get a real laugh out of him, and I hope that I'll continue to crack him up daily!

Change is a funny thing. People often say they embrace it, but when push comes to shove, change makes people uncomfortable. People like routines, knowing what to expect, and often get comfortable in their lives. This economy has shaken us all, and even if you are lucky enough to have your job, you know someone, probably many, who have been affected. Here's the tricky part, most people are not going to share how much they have been affected - some may hide their struggles, some may show a happy face, but no matter how people deal with their new reality, there are internal struggles happening daily. Maybe it's at the grocery store, where you are no longer buying organic items or special treats. Maybe you haven't bought a new pair of shoes in a long time, because your old shoes will get you through another season. Maybe the little luxuries, such as mani/pedis, are much less frequent. Whatever is changing for you, the real question is, what have you learned from this economic climate, and what are you doing to change your situation? I'm talking about long-term strategic fixes, not band-aid solutions. Yes, you need the short-term plan as you need to keep the roof over your head, but you also need to paint the picture of what you want your life to look like.

That's not an easy thing to do, but it's critical for you and your significant other to discuss and get on the same page now. I know that if I am lucky enough to be 90, I don't want my husband in a home when I'm still healthy enough to live alone (with some assistance). If I'm growing old with him, we're doing it under the same roof. Maybe I'll be sick of him by then, but I can't imagine spending 50+ years together and then being apart, only to see each other a few hours a week. No thank you - not for me. I vowed to share my life with him, and that's what we'll do - no matter what it takes.

Easier said then done, but really, if we paint the picture of what we want to achieve, all we need to do is figure out the many steps it takes to get there, and then do it. Every time you get pushed down, you just have to get up and try again - but this time, try something new.

I think it's time for my daily gratitudes:
1. My health. Even though I'm not in the best shape of my life (once upon a time I ran a marathon), I'm healthy. Remember those goals of working out? Now is the time for me to act!
2. My ability to realize that every day is a chance for a fresh start. This has come in very handy during the tough times.
3. My husband's odd jobs. I don't know what we'd do if he didn't take all these random promotion jobs the past few months. He's been working hard and often long or odd hours. He's napping now because he got up at 5:15 am.
4. Little C's language development. He is a non-stop chatter box with full sentences, stringing logic together, and an ever expanding vocabulary. It is so much easier to deal with an irrational toddler when they can tell you what is upsetting them by using words.
5. September. I am glad that the summer is winding down. It was fun, and we had many great adventures, but it's time to get back to work! I just hope the winter isn't brutal this year!

What do you want your life to look like? What are you doing about it?
What makes you insane and are you going to do something to change the outcome?

The Lost Art of Relationships and Conversation

I have been to at least 40 weddings in my life – at one point (in my 20s), I was attending about 7 weddings a year, and now, thankfully, it’s closer to 1 or 2 a year. I will say that during my engagement, weddings became somewhat of a sport where I would analyze what I liked and didn’t like (or what didn’t work) at the weddings we attended. I learned from each one and we borrowed many of our ideas from the numerous weddings we’ve been to over the years. I loved our wedding, it was a blast and reflected who we are as a couple. I learned a special hula and surprised my husband during the reception; he was blown away and loved every second of it.

I was glad when our wedding planning was over and we were able to fully enjoy any wedding during our first year of marriage because we no longer had the pressure to evaluate the details of each wedding, we could truly relax and celebrate our friends’ love for each other.

Recently I attended a wedding that took the cake (I know, bad pun, but I had to!). The bride and groom had so much love for each other, you could feel it in the air and it set the tone for the wedding and the reception. Not only are they truly perfect for each other, but they also love every single person that was in attendance. It was incredible. As a guest, it was one of those weddings where all the guests and family interact with each other – not just the people they know. The parents were grinning ear to ear, the siblings so happy about the additional sibling coming into the family, and everyone was on the dance floor. The happy newlyweds exuded pure delight, love and appreciate for each other and everyone there, and it would have been too much except for the fact that it was genuine. Here’s one example that touched me, my husband and my parents (who were also at the wedding): the bride and groom wrote a personal message to every guest on the inside of their table seating card. I’m talking a good 3-5 (typed) lines of heartfelt, well thought out, personal memories, that truly connected the guest to the bride and/or groom (depending on who knew whom).

Amazing, isn’t it? A personal connection touched every guest at that wedding – even driving some of us to tears (happy ones, of course). This leads me to today’s topic: The lost art of human relationships.

Today’s world is so busy; to do lists, family demands, work pressures, home chores, errands to run, not to mention you’d like to get to the gym, have time to explore some kind of new knowledge, carve time out for girlfriends, and oh yeah, some alone time would be great! It becomes overwhelming, and we tend to look for shortcuts. How many of us stay in touch with friends over facebook? Do you actively look for their status updates? Do you post to someone’s wall on random days (not a birthday)? Do you send a personal email – or better yet – have you picked up the phone and spoken to them? Maybe, you have gone out and caught up in person?! Shocking, I know! If most people are careful what they post on social networks, how much do you really know about your friends?

What happened to having a conversation and being engaged and interested? My father and husband will whip out the iPhone at any chance, and it drives me nuts. I used to think it was a male thing, but I see plenty of women constantly checking as well. In fact, I saw 3 women playing catch (with plastic lacrosse-like scoops and a whiffle ball) and one woman would check her phone after she threw the ball. When you are out with friends, do you check your phone for texts, emails, tweets? Has this happened to you and you wonder, “Am I really that boring? Or is my friend insecure? Or is something else going on?”

We all know I’m far from perfect (remember, I’m a work in progress) – I can get distracted especially in coffee houses. Earlier this week I met a great woman who is seeking a better job; we were introduced over email from a mutual friend who thought we would get along well. He was right, we do – she’s smart, cool, good head on her shoulders, easy to talk to – it was as if we had known each other for awhile. I’m not sure why, but I was intrigued by two women at the next table who appeared to be having an interview. By the end of their conversation, I was wondering if one of the women was the surrogate for the other! I was lucky that the woman I met with is understanding, patient and was also a bit intrigued at the other scenario. Why couldn’t I block out the neighboring table? Human curiosity is my best guess. I can be nosy at times, and it’s fun to overhear snippets of conversations and guess the unspoken context.

I think it’s safe to say that we all have been fortunate enough to know what it feels like when both people are fully participating, engaged, and in the moment during a conversation. Today’s pressures tend to have us multi-tasking and unfocused on anything we are touching because our attention is divided before we even sit down to do something. Part of the reason I haven’t posted an entry since last week is we’ve had house guests since mid-May. I know writing a blog takes time and concentration, so I thought the two people who have so kindly chosen to follow me wouldn’t mind if I was a few days late in my posts.

The other part of the reason for my delay is procrastination. I know, I started out so motivated, and then plop. I can make excuses, provide rationale, but I’ll just admit that it was procrastination, and instead of writing this entry earlier in the week, I was able to get a ton of other things done. A bit selfish of me…of course, I have no idea who is actually reading this because I haven’t received any comments yet (please, someone post a comment so I know you are out there!).

As for my procrastination project, let’s just say it’s past my usual bedtime – but I wanted to get at least one post up before the end of the week! I started running again, and hope to get at least two more runs in before Monday to get back on track. I’ve been getting outside everyday, and networking with old and new friends. And I’ve been tackling my to do list – whether it’s introducing new friends, getting the word out about this blog, figuring out what I want my future/career to look like, and spending quality time with my son. All in all, I’m in a better place than I was earlier this year. Life is good. If I could figure out how to monetize living life, I could be on to something!

I’ll end with my 5 things I’m grateful for:
1. Thunderstorms – they have been pretty loud this week and it reminds me of the first time I told my husband I loved him (back when we were dating). It slipped out by accident (I was waiting for him to say it first), and then sleep set in. He called me out on it a few hours later – and also shared that he loved me too. Awww.
2. Catching up with old friends – I was lucky to reconnect with an old college friend this morning before he spoke at a conference. We are Linkedin and facebook friends, but this morning we were able to talk for more than an hour, no distractions, and just enjoyed hearing each other’s stories – what we’ve been up to since the mid-90s.
3. My son’s singing ability – he loves to burst into song randomly, and he’s at a point where we can actually understand the words he’s singing. He does a great version of “The More We Get Together”, “Take me Out to the Ball Game”, “Shabbat Shalom” and some of his Fisher-Price toys.
4. The microwave timer – helping to set expectations of a two year old is a lot easier when a timer is involved (e.g. I’m setting the timer for 5 minutes, when the timer goes off, it’s dinner time.). I wonder how old he’ll be when he realizes what I’m doing.
5. An empty house – my husband was out of the house tonight for a few hours, and I was able to get a lot done online while he was gone. I love him, and missed him, but if he was here I would have plopped down on the couch and wasted the night away watching TV.

Perhaps my next post will be on the effects of procrastination, and how that is the best motivation to avoid procrastinating at all costs! What keeps you from doing the things on your to do list in the right order? When did you last have a conversation where you really connected with someone (a new friend, an old one, your signficant other)? What is your favorite relationship and why is it so special? I look forward to hearing your thoughts, so we can start our own conversation (online!).