Last week, we visited my husband's family in New Jersey, and stayed with his 90-year-old grandmother. She spoke those words to me a few times, as she shook her head and looked down in sadness. Her husband is in a convalescent home, and she can't hear anything unless we shout something to her (she refuses to get new hearing aids). It's sad, and then I thought, well, we all make choices in our life and we have to understand that there are consequences, some good, some bad. What really saddens me is she couldn't hear little C say "Good morning Great Nana!" or anything else he said to her. I'm not sure why she is so stubborn and set in her ways (I'm guessing it's a mix of her generation as well as her age), but she is not happy. She says she doesn't want to continue living like this, but yet she won't make any changes.
Benjamin Franklin is credited with this quote about insanity, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."
I think that sums up her situation perfectly. I also thought about my life, and how I had no idea it would be like this. I've said time and again, I'm lucky because if I keep perspective, I realize that we (my loved ones) are in good health and only have to deal with minor illnesses. I have a friend that is battling cancer several times (and he's younger than 40), I know many friends who are in the process of understanding their autistic children, I have friends who have parents that are battling cancer, or worse, have lost their parents for many years now. This perspective helps keep me grounded, and reminds me that my situation may be challenging, but it's not life threatening.
At the end of my life, which I hope is a long time from now, I want to look back and think about all the wonderful people I've had a chance to love, engage, teach, play, laugh, and explore places. My husband is a great man who has incredible patience, a love for social interaction, pop culture, and family. He has his qualities that could use a little work as well (we all do!), but he reminds me that as a team, we are much stronger and we can get through some very tough situations. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that, but I've been working hard on improving myself for me, for him, for our family - and it's starting to pay off. On our road trip back to Chicago, we passed by an SUV that had a propeller on the tail gate hitch. I looked at him and said something like "He must be a boat enthusiast" which I quickly followed with "Wow - I'm such a marketing nerd!" and we both laughed. I had a few other comments which had us both cracking up, and I realized it had been a long time since I made him laugh. It felt so good to be able to get a real laugh out of him, and I hope that I'll continue to crack him up daily!
Change is a funny thing. People often say they embrace it, but when push comes to shove, change makes people uncomfortable. People like routines, knowing what to expect, and often get comfortable in their lives. This economy has shaken us all, and even if you are lucky enough to have your job, you know someone, probably many, who have been affected. Here's the tricky part, most people are not going to share how much they have been affected - some may hide their struggles, some may show a happy face, but no matter how people deal with their new reality, there are internal struggles happening daily. Maybe it's at the grocery store, where you are no longer buying organic items or special treats. Maybe you haven't bought a new pair of shoes in a long time, because your old shoes will get you through another season. Maybe the little luxuries, such as mani/pedis, are much less frequent. Whatever is changing for you, the real question is, what have you learned from this economic climate, and what are you doing to change your situation? I'm talking about long-term strategic fixes, not band-aid solutions. Yes, you need the short-term plan as you need to keep the roof over your head, but you also need to paint the picture of what you want your life to look like.
That's not an easy thing to do, but it's critical for you and your significant other to discuss and get on the same page now. I know that if I am lucky enough to be 90, I don't want my husband in a home when I'm still healthy enough to live alone (with some assistance). If I'm growing old with him, we're doing it under the same roof. Maybe I'll be sick of him by then, but I can't imagine spending 50+ years together and then being apart, only to see each other a few hours a week. No thank you - not for me. I vowed to share my life with him, and that's what we'll do - no matter what it takes.
Easier said then done, but really, if we paint the picture of what we want to achieve, all we need to do is figure out the many steps it takes to get there, and then do it. Every time you get pushed down, you just have to get up and try again - but this time, try something new.
I think it's time for my daily gratitudes:
1. My health. Even though I'm not in the best shape of my life (once upon a time I ran a marathon), I'm healthy. Remember those goals of working out? Now is the time for me to act!
2. My ability to realize that every day is a chance for a fresh start. This has come in very handy during the tough times.
3. My husband's odd jobs. I don't know what we'd do if he didn't take all these random promotion jobs the past few months. He's been working hard and often long or odd hours. He's napping now because he got up at 5:15 am.
4. Little C's language development. He is a non-stop chatter box with full sentences, stringing logic together, and an ever expanding vocabulary. It is so much easier to deal with an irrational toddler when they can tell you what is upsetting them by using words.
5. September. I am glad that the summer is winding down. It was fun, and we had many great adventures, but it's time to get back to work! I just hope the winter isn't brutal this year!
What do you want your life to look like? What are you doing about it?
What makes you insane and are you going to do something to change the outcome?
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